No.1203878
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Gender transition is a fucking roller-coaster of self-discovery and the emotional tornadoes of girl puberty.
I've been having the wildest psychological experiences lately as they continue to feel like they're rewiring my brain. I've started to dissociate from my own memories, kind of sort of like I don't have a sense of ownership over them any more.
But like, I think that my brain has been using them to construct a headmate to make sense of that feeling.
So now ... I'm plural? Or ... now aware of it?
Uh ... yeah, I ... guess I have headmates now? Jesus.
No.1203880
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That's such a fascinating thing that happens. Like it's remarkably ordinary and common, at least from some viewpoint, but it also conceptually conflicts with most people's experience of existing. Human bodies, and indeed most animal bodies (though perhaps not actually all animal bodies) have developed a sense of "self", and there's a whole lot of human behavior that relies entirely on that being a real thing that really exists and doesn't have any complications.
But then some people develop more than one self! And their selves can have arguments! And there's all sorts of causes for this happening, from trauma, to inducing multiple personalities through mental exercise, to just basic drug use. Like you're just on estrogen or whatever and oop, that's enough system shock to force a second person in there.
And the reality of all this, I think, is that the "self" was never real to begin with. As much as the self is required to explain most other animal behavior, it's actually just another emotion that people feel, it's part of the communication between all bajillion cells in the body. And those cells can collectively decide to communicate differently one day and a whole lot of stuff falls apart.
To some extent I actually think most of us have multiple "selves", but their communications don't always reach the same level as someone who would tell others that they have more than one self. And I think that goes from high level stuff, like what happens if you split a brain in half, to low level stuff, like how your arm is going to recoil from dangerous objects and tell the rest of your body it did that slightly after.
No.1203884
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Welcome to the club, Andrea!
No.1203885
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So we kind of figured out we're systemflux or pluralflux
https://pluralpedia.org/w/Systemfluxhttps://pluralpedia.org/w/Pluralflux Pluralflux is better known as fluid plurality or fluid multiplicity, and it occurs when the individual(s) in a system fluctuate between multiple, median, and singular based on the interaction between them and their environment.Systemflux refers to people whose identification as a system or a singlet fluctuates in intensity over time. This can be gradually, rapidly, or any speed in-between depending on the system. Usually it is consistent but sometimes it is not. A systemflux system can be of any system origin. This kind of describes us
perfectly and we're kind of excited we've got a word for it now.
>>1203880Yeah I'm kinda blessed/cursed with a vivid autobiographical memory, which means a lot of my memories come with memories of feelings of gender dysphoria. In a way, the memories kind of feel more unnerving to me to remember after three years on HRT. It's like they kind of need to split off from me a bit in order to remember them.
>>1203884I'm actually still not sure how long we've been here. I perceive my headmate(s) as having past identities and containing past self conceptions and attitudes I used to have but no longer do, but Andrew did.
Like I'm kind of coming to recognize them as essentially constructed by me to be my mask(s) over the course of my life so far, and now they're the background chatter in my brain 24/7. But I'm starting to recognize them sometimes penetrating to the front when we're in a state of DPDR and kind of taking control for little moments at a time.
No.1203921
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>>1203892Yeah! I think that guy gets me.
No.1203932
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>>1203921A lot of neuroscienist would too
No.1204139
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>>1203878I would say that fundamentally all human beings by default are not one person but three people in one: mind versus body versus soul.
Or rather to expand some more: rational will resulting from viewpoints having to do with circumstance and other things, and then there's the flesh as well as what it demands, while then there's the spiritual core of hopes as well as dreams plus fears and more.
Past that, however, I don't think anybody can say anything much for anybody else who's not them.
Maybe some woman needs these three entities to get along and like each other for once. Maybe some dude hates their body with a passion in a way that they basically want their mind plus soul to escape that body like a prisoner out of a jail cell. Maybe some woman realizes that what's best for her life is to be completely fluid in every sense and flip-flop on a dime what entity makes what decisions.
And I would absolutely not hesitate for a second to say that there are probably more than three entities of some type inside of certain people. Yeah. Absolutely.
It's up to you! And me! To be you at your best! And to be me at my best!
No.1204182
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>>1204139I think of it from a more neurological/psychological perspective.
The 'self' has
no fundamental essence, It's more like the press secretary for a committee of subminds interacting with each other in a heterogeneous manner and shifting between modes of operation. It's the product of the interaction of networks of neurons, the brain is essentially a biological internet and the self is like a big virtual machine running as a cloud on that network. The self is evolved for the brains need to discern events in reality caused by itself and those caused by something else, and given human nature as a social species, the self also serves the function of allowing a brain to differentiate itself from other brains and build relationships with them for survival. One can experience this function of the brain shutdown via psychedelics or psychosis as 'ego death' experiencing consciousness without self, entirely through biochemical material phenomenon.
No.1204206
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I honestly can't tell anymore if I have headmates or not. Either we all merged or we're just always all aware at the front and sometimes one of us has the controls more than the others. Like I often notice the switch but none of us is ever in the back and unaware of things. Even the quiet one is constantly paying attention.
Plurality is strange.
No.1204207
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>>1204206The more I think about it the more I'm kind of noticing that myself when otherwise integrated.
No.1204208
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>>1204207Most distinct systems (ones where it is clear they are multiple, seperate personalities who do not share memories) I know of are traumagenic. I have a small sample size of course, so that shouldn't draw conclusions, but it is at least for me a trend. More fluid systems like mine (and yours it would seem) appear to have a different source, or are at least sources by a type of trauma we wouldn't normally classify primarily as traumatic.
Everything seems to be a bit of a spectrum, from fully distinct and unaware to fully integrated and aware.
That said, I'm immensely curious. How many distinct personalities have you noticed? What are your names? Do any of you have a particular interest, hobby, or skill that the others don't share? Do you use seperate avatars for all of them? Do you all co-front at once or do some of you prefer to sit in the back? If you're not comfortable sharing publicly I understand.
No.1204216
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>>1204208So It's hard to say. I think when I am feeling less integrated I am much more 'median'
https://pluralpedia.org/w/MedianI also have CPTSD from late childhood and adolescent traumas and to an extent, gender dysphoria as well. One of the symptoms of CPTSD is an unstable sense of self-conception.
So I'm pretty sure we're traumagenic. Maybe also constructed in response to slow-burn social traumas and the need to hide in plain sight.
We're essentially an amorphous blob of past masks with pasts attitudes and opinions of our own that often conflict with the others. I (Andrea) experience them as a sort of 'layer' I exist behind. Like, in my experiences, I'm not just a girl piloting a male body, I'm the captain of the bridge and the others are at the helm directly controlling the body and sometimes taking control away from me in triggering moments, usually only for seconds or minutes at a time. They're essentially my autopilots I used to rely on to get through those traumas. Otherwise we all share a sense of ownership over autobiographical memories and that makes
distinct identities hard to establish, we're not a product of dissociated autobiographical memories. Basically we're this in a median state:
https://pluralpedia.org/w/Facet No.1204218
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>>1204208>>1204216So yeah maybe instead of names for them, titles or epithets might be more appropriate
No.1204228
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looks like there is more of you to love, and that you're never truly alone now
No.1204234
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>>1204216Ooh I'm learning all sorts of new terms today. This likely describes my system on a given day. Though we do have one fragmentary member who is beginning to develop more fully. Oh it's so fun to use official terms. I've never referred to myself as facets, though I do like the term and it does fit, particularly since I work with gemstones.
Epithets is a neat system. Shall I call you all Andrea then?
No.1204250
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>>1204228I'm pretty sure we were never truly alone to begin with. I'm coming to recognize them as being older versions of myself given they think in ways I used to think and have attitudes and opinions I used to hold. I'm also growing to recognize their origins as very old childhood trauma responses and copes for gender dysphoria and queer sexuality, basically rooted in childhood through early adulthood denial and a sort of self-talk rooted in . I'm almost certain this is fundamentally a manifestation of old childhood complex ptsd symptoms, like the way CPTSD can leave one with an unstable sense of self conception, exacerbated by the survival need to be an egg for a while when trans.
I think the hormones have certainly contributed to making all this clearer to myself as I've experienced. But there, is in a way a certain pain in experiencing the memories of having to
be them whenever they're closer to the front in those dissociated moments and I feel their old familiar emotional responses ... and one of those is gender dysphoria ... and that makes it difficult to accept them when they're up front and making me feel like a man. I dunno, I guess this is a first step towards accepting them and growing so ...
>>1204234You can call us all Andrea if you want, that is our core identity after all. Though given their nature as old masks and trauma copes tied to memories of past self-conceptions, I tend to think of them as essentially all having my deadname, Andrew, while I am the oldest, the core Andrea.
I'm also kind of a blurry sort of median system, and I'm not sure how many past selves there are or if that number is even fixed, like their bits and pieces of the old Andrew persona. So it's kinda hard to really attach specific titles/epithets. So I'm still deciding what those should be. Especially given their nature to really only come out when triggered or dissociating by other causes.
Getting high as balls is now a party in my brain. Like, I like the image of a fraying rope as a metaphor for this. Or like the various multi-headed mythical beasts of various mythologies.
No.1204302
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That's ironic, because I'm pretty sure I'm plural because I'm not transitioning.
Like I just did nothing, out of a combination of crippling anxiety and the state of trans rights in the UK, for so long that my brain dug up a second person to try to get me out of the situation.
And it didn't work, by the way. There are just twice as many sad people in my head now.
Sucks.
No.1204304
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>>1204302Oh I'm sure that it's ultimately rooted in being a late transitioner for me. My headmate(s) probably have an origin similar to yours for similar reasons.
I'm growing to think of this as more of a personal revelation brought on by transition making it more conciously noticeable to my core self rather than a split
caused by the HRT.
No.1204311
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>>1204302>>1204304Would you believe me if I said I was probably the same? I used to pray every night when I was little that I'd wake up a girl, and dream of ways to transfer my brain to a woman's body. I'm certain Grace manifested somewhere around that time. We're actually not sure which of us is the original. I could very well be just a very sophisticated social mask
No.1204318
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>>1204311Gender transition has been a self-inflicted identity crisis for us, but a necessary one. We're still trying to construct a persona for Andrea to exist on the outside, and slowly getting the Andrews to loosen their grip.
Still, gonna have to accept they'll probably always be with me for the rest of our life. I mean, we're not really *that* distinct most of the time anyway, especially when we're integrated.
